


Into the Sea of Waking Dreams

by Dreamshaper, maschinenmensch



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Assault, F/F, Possession, The Holtzbros strike again, and fluff, and hurt/comfort, there's also some iffy stuff in here so proceed with caution, with angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-14 01:45:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11197872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamshaper/pseuds/Dreamshaper, https://archiveofourown.org/users/maschinenmensch/pseuds/maschinenmensch
Summary: Rowan possesses a different Ghostbuster, and the consequences of his words and actions are worse than any of the four women could have imagined.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Elder Holtzbro here, with another offering from the minds of two dorks who should have probably gotten a life by now. Heh.
> 
> This idea came to the two of us awhile ago, and is an exploration of some canon divergence in the film. There is a scene with some slight dub/con, so if this something that is disturbing to you, you'll probably want to skip chapter two and perhaps this fic in general. It's nothing super graphic, but is essential to the plot, so fair warning.
> 
> This may be a tad more serious than our usual fare, but it is pure Holtzbert, sooooooooo.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy!

The moment she had taken off her proton pack and had stepped out of her boots, Erin made a beeline for the freezer; the others were smart enough to not say anything, but simply watched how she found an ice pack and held it against her knuckles, grumbling to herself. 

Abby was the first who dared to approach her, once she didn’t look quite as angry anymore; she gave her best to sound kind and caring, and not as if she judged Erin for what had happened, when she asked her how her hand felt.

“Bruised”, Erin grumbled, briefly removing the icepack to peer at her knuckles and to flex her fingers, grimacing at the pain this sent through her hand, “Abby, I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have…”

“It’s okay”, Abby reassured her, earning a weak smile from the physicist, “guy had it coming. Just… make sure that this doesn’t become a regular thing?”

“Of course it won’t”, Erin replied, a bit indignant; Abby winked at her, then went to find something to drink, feeling thirsty after the walk from the Mercado back to their lab above the restaurant, Erin watching her go before she stared down on her fist again.

“That punch was quite impressive, you know”, Holtzmann was the one to approach her next, making her smile a bit wider than when she had reacted that way to Abby, “you might’ve hurt your hand, but you took him down with one hit. Way to go hot stuff.”

As always when Holtzmann called her that, Erin felt her cheeks heat up, by now resigned to the way the engineer always made her blush; she shrugged, not feeling as if this was as much of an accomplishment as the blonde seemed to think, Holtzmann giving her a bright smile, then sending a jolt through her back by briefly touching her shoulder - before she moved to put the proton packs away, Erin finding herself unable to look away from her.

_ Jesus, Gilbert _ , she scolded herself, finally tearing her eyes away - even though that became considerably more difficult when Holtzmann bent over to check something about Abby’s pack,  _ you really have to get this under control. Or she’ll catch you staring sooner or later. _

Tearing her eyes away from the engineer, she looked down at her hand again, and wondered how bad the bruising would be the next day.

* * *

 

As it turned out, the bruising wasn’t too bad; what was much worse though was the news coverage about Erin punching the blogger, the physicist fuming as she watched a piece on it on TV at first, and feeling even worse when she saw that one of New York’s biggest newspapers had brought an article about it, as well.

**Nosebuster** , the headline blared, with a frighteningly well-timed picture to go along with it, of the very moment Erin’s fist had connected with the man’s nose; groaning, Erin let her head drop down onto the table in front of her, feeling someone rub her back soothingly, said someone turning out to be Abby when the physicist lifted her head again to look.

She was grateful for the comfort, but for a moment, she was also disappointed, because she’d been hoping it’d be Holtzmann; then, she forced those thoughts aside and, eager for a distraction, grabbed the copy of  _ Ghosts from our Past  _ they had taken from Rowan’s lair, idly leafing through it as she let her mind wander.

As they did so often ever since she had reunited with Abby and had met Holtzmann, her thoughts wandered to the engineer pretty quickly; from the moment on Holtzmann had said “Come here often” to her, she found herself thinking about the blonde more often than not, learning that it didn’t actually matter if Holtzmann was in the room with her or not.

She was there right now, too, standing at one of her workbenches and tinkering with what appeared to be a pipe she probably had found in a dumpster somewhere; Erin watched her for another minute, then looked down at the book again, frowning when she saw the drawings Rowan had made on the pages, 

“Hey Erin”, Abby said before she could take a closer look at them, “Patty and I are going to get some food, you want something too? Or come along?”

“Yeah, you know what I like”, Erin gave back, snapping the book shut while Holtzmann excused herself to the bathroom, “but after I just was on TV, I’d rather stay here.”

Abby nodded and briefly touched her shoulder in another gesture of comfort; then, Patty and the researcher left while Erin took another look at the newspaper article, then picked up the book again, oddly disturbed by the drawings the now dead Rowan had made, even though she couldn’t quite put her finger on why. 

* * *

 

Erin was so engrossed in the crude drawings in the book she never heard Holtzmann come out of the bathroom about 10 minutes after she had entered. The engineer briskly walked over to where she was sitting, stopping to stare intently at her.

“Oh hey Holtz,” Erin’s voice wavered underneath the scrutiny on the blonde’s face. “You were in the bathroom for awhile. Everything ok?”

“Just dandy.” Holtzmann nodded her head at Erin, who in turn scooted across the seat in the booth she was sitting to allow the engineer to slide in beside her. She felt her face flush as Holtzmann sat very close, their thighs and shoulders touching one another.

_ Does she know what sitting this close does to me? Wait, probably not, she usually sits in the booth opposite of me so… _

“New reading material?” Holtzmann raised an eyebrow at her after glancing at Rowan’s copy of Erin and Abby’s tome.

Erin shook her head. “It’s obvious Rowan read this cover-to-cover. I mean the technology he had in the basement - some of it was ripped directly from here.” Erin looked up and gave Holtzmann a soft smile. “Of course, his work pales in comparison to yours Holtz.”

Holtzmann gave her a blank stare, making Erin feel funny inside. Normally Holtzmann would’ve been sheepish at such a compliment and begged it off. But instead there was no reaction except for the engineer’s right eye twitching. “Anything else of interest in there Erin? Do tell.”

Erin swallowed, confused by the flatness of Holtzmann’s tone.  _ Maybe she’s traumatized by the last couple of days. It hasn’t been easy… _

“Well, judging by these drawings, it looked like Rowan had planned to join forces with all the souls he released to fulfill the fourth cataclysm. But I’m not sure how he could have done that without…”

The realization struck Erin suddenly, the color draining from the physicist’s face.

“He couldn’t have done it unless he was dead himself. Oh my god Holtz, he planned on dying in that basement yesterday. He just waited for a captive audience.”

“Interesting theory there Dr. Gilbert.”

Holtzmann’s hand covered Erin’s where it lay flat on the table. Normally the physicist would have been ecstatic at such intimate contact from her secret crush. But something felt off about it, Holtzmann applying a little more pressure than what she’d consider friendly, her hand pinned against the hard surface. 

The blonde smirked out of the side of her mouth. “What? I thought you wanted this Erin. Don’t lie to me. I see the way you look at her.”

_ Her? _

“Holtz?” Erin backed up as far as she could in the booth, her hand still clasped underneath Holtzmann’s. The fine hairs on the back of her neck stood up as soon as she noticed it.

_ When did Holtzmann’s eyes turn brown… _

“I’m sorry,” Holtzmann said in a flat, clipped tone. “But Jillian’s not here right now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holtzbro the Younger here now - Elder Holtzbro is right, and someone should probably take tumblr / hangouts / Skype away from us, hehe. Until that happens though, we'll just keep coming up with ways to be mean to poor Holtzbert. We're sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for your enthusiastic responses thus far! It warms our dorky hearts.
> 
> As mentioned, this chapter contains elements of slight dubious consent and assault. So please, don't read it if it may bother you. It's not extreme by any means, but just a fair warning.

“Rowan.” Erin was unable to keep the tremble, the hint of fear, out of her voice as she said the man’s name, not a question, but a statement; Holtzmann smirked that strange smirk again, and she remembered having seen it before, on Rowan’s face, just before he had killed himself. 

It felt so _wrong_ to see this sort of smirk on Holtzmann’s face that it made Erin’s blood run cold, and this only got worse when she realized the danger she might be in, alone in the lab with the blonde, and no idea when Abby and Patty would come back.  

“How”, she brought out, even though she knew quite well how, but hoped to win some time, perhaps, she thought to herself, she could stall him with questions long enough for Abby and Patty to come back, or for Kevin to show up, and while she doubted their dim-witted secretary would realize what was going on, his presence alone might be enough to deter Rowan.

“Please”, he gave back with Holtzmann’s voice, sending shivers up and down her spine, “you know how. Don’t insult our intelligence, Dr. Gilbert.”

There was  _ something _ in Holtzmann’s eyes now, something predatory and dangerous, and it spurred Erin into action more than the smarmy smirk could have; she jerked her hand out from underneath Holtzmann’s before the blonde had a chance to react, then shot out of the booth as fast as it was humanly possible, fear taking over when she heard Holtzmann get up as well behind her.

She didn’t waste time by looking back, she was too smart for that, but that didn’t save her; Erin only managed a few steps, then she felt a surprisingly strong arm wrap around her waist from behind, the breath getting knocked out of her when Holtzmann’s body and her own momentum carried her forward until she hit the wall, only her fast reflexes preventing that she broke her nose as she managed to turn her head the last second and didn’t hit the wall face first.

Holtzmann chuckled behind her, a cold, somewhat malevolent laugh, which was just as wrong as that smarmy smirk; then, she grabbed Erin’s shoulder and spun her around, roughly slamming her back against the wall afterwards, the physicist’s breath hitching when the blonde moved one forearm across her shoulders, close to her throat, easily holding her in place.

“Now, now,  _ hot stuff” _ , the engineer said, and knowing that it was  _ him  _ calling her that made Erin’s skin crawl, “we were having a conversation, you know, it’s rude to run off in the middle of a talk.”

“Take your hands off of me”, she pressed out, trying hard to keep the fear out of her voice and to sound fierce and assertive, “I don’t  _ want _ to hurt Holtzmann’s body, but I will if I have to.”

“Will you now”, Holtzmann replied with a little chuckle, showing that Rowan clearly didn’t believe her, “I don’t think so. You’re too fond of this body, aren’t you? You know, I know every thought going through Jillian’s brain, she’s quite fond of yours, too.”

Holtzmann’s free hand came up, closed around her breast and squeezed, hard, hard enough for it to hurt, and Erin reacted without thinking, slamming her knee up, feeling a strange mixture of dark satisfaction and guilt when she felt the hit connect, Holtzmann’s hands vanishing from her body as the blonde let out a breathless, pained yelp and stumbled back, hands moving down to cover the area between her legs protectively.

As the engineer slumped to the floor, then ended up on her side, curled up in pain, Erin saw Rowan’s ghost flash out of her; he hung in the air for a few seconds, long enough to let the physicist wonder and worry if he’d possess her now - before he let out a nasty laugh and flew out through the window, sudden tears blurring Erin’s sight while Holtzmann lay groaning on the floor. 

“Holtz…” Erin fell to her knees in front of the engineer, who had now curled up into a fetal position in agony. She reached out with a shaky hand to place it on Holtzmann’s shoulder just before she heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Food’s here y’all. Come and get it before it gets cold.” Patty’s cheerful voice booming across the room caused something inside of Erin to snap.

“Help…” Erin’s voice was barely above a whisper, the tears now falling down her cheeks, a catch in her throat. It was loud enough though that her two colleagues came running around the corner to where herself and Holtzmann were both sprawled on the floor. 

“Oh my god, what happened?” Abby ran to Erin’s side, kneeling down next to the physicist, putting her arm around the sobbing woman’s shoulders. In the meantime, Patty crouched down next to Holtzmann, placing a comforting hand on the engineer’s back.

“Holtzy? Baby? Are you ok?”

“Rowan…” Erin managed to blurt out between sobs. “It was Rowan. Possessed Holtz. Made her -” Erin couldn’t continue, the image of the maniacal grin on Holtzmann’s face seared into her memory. The feeling of Holtzmann’s hands on her body, touching her in places she had once dreamed of. 

Except it wasn’t Holtzmann that had touched her.

Erin dissolved into heaving sobs, burying her head into Abby’s shoulder, who rubbed her back as comfortingly as Abby could manage. She shot Patty a look, who had now cradled Holtzmann’s head in her lap and was soothingly patting her curly, blonde hair.

“E-Erin,” Holtzmann stuttered, still doubled over in pain. “Sorry. So sorry.” Holtzmann’s voice trailed off, dissolving into soft sniffles. 

“Holtzy, it’s ok. Baby, we all know that wasn’t you.” Patty glanced over at Abby, who was frowning at the way Erin refused to even look at Holtzmann, much less acknowledge her apology.

“Hey laaaaaadies!”

Kevin’s booming voice from outside broke the awkward silence. Abby helped Erin up and hurried toward the open window overlooking the street. Patty assisted Holtzmann in sitting upright and offered her hand once she got on her feet. The engineer shook her head and waved Patty off, still clutching her midsection. 

The three Ghostbusters peered out the open window to see Kevin, complete in a Ghostbusters jumpsuit, astride the motorcycle that Holtzmann had recently rigged.

“Kevin, baby, we talked about this! We love you, but you ain’t busting no ghosts. You can barely answer the damn phone!” 

With a smirk, Kevin replied to Patty with a nothing less than a gleeful retort.

“Sure thing, Patricia.” Kevin flexed his arms and looked at them in wonder. “Thanks for the upgrade, big boy. Your body will come in quite handy for what I have planned.”

There was a beat of silence as the realization of exactly where Rowan’s spirit ended up once he exited the window on the second floor hit the three women. 

“Rowan, you big bully!” Abby bellowed.

“He’s just a big puppy, you… you…” Erin stammered, still shaky after her recent experience. “... You jerk!”

“Such strong words Dr. Gilbert. Still a little flustered, are we?” Kevin winked at Erin, causing the physicist to utter an angry grunt.

“Hope this guy knows how to ride a motorcycle.” Kevin/Rowan revved the bike before peeling down the street. “Yeah he does!” A wheelie punctuated his gleeful cry, the possessed secretary whipping around the next corner, out of the Ghostbusters’ line of sight.

“Oh, that’s so not good.” Patty shook her head before rushing toward the wall where the proton packs and other equipment were stashed. “C’mon ladies, shake your tailfeathers! We need to bust a cap in his ass before things get out of hand.”

Abby grabbed her jumpsuit where she had thrown it over the back of the couch the day prior and headed toward the bathroom. She paused when she saw Erin was still looking out the window, her hands white from grabbing the sill.

“Erin? You ok?”

“Just give me a moment to…” Abby could hear that her friend was fighting back tears. “I need a second to collect myself.” 

Abby turned to Patty, who had crouched next to a still seated Holtzmann, back against the wall, playing with her necktie. 

“Holtzy?” 

“I’ll come. I need to finish him.”

The engineer’s voice was soft, yet angry. Holtzmann looked over at Erin, who still had her back to her, and sighed. 

“We have a job to do baby. And once it’s done, everything is going to be ok. All right?” Patty gave Holtzmann a bright, encouraging smile as she squeezed her shoulder. 

Watery blue eyes looked up into the historian’s concerned ones.

“I’m not sure it is Pattycakes.”


	3. Chapter 3

The Ecto-1 sped toward The Mercado as fast as traffic allowed. Which, sadly, was not very fast, as Rowan’s actions had caused quite the panic amongst New York’s citizens.

“C’mon get out of the way! Move it or lose it!” Abby stuck her head out of the passenger side window as Patty maneuvered down the street, imploring a group of hysterical teenagers who had decided to run right up the median. Patty blared the horn.

“The damn world’s gonna end before we get there at this rate,” Patty mumbled under her breath, shaking her head. She glanced in the rear view mirror at her colleagues in the back seat. “Holtzy? Erin? You two doing ok back there?”

“Fine. Just fine.”

Erin’s voice was pained, her hand nearly white from gripping the armrest on the Ecto-1’s door. Holtzmann meanwhile didn’t respond, her eyes cast downward while idly playing with the zipper on her jumpsuit.

Patty and Abby continued to fret and cuss at the difficulty of getting to their final destination, the two women taking turns yelling out the window at the panicked masses. Erin would occasionally steal a glance at Holtzmann in the seat next to her, the engineer seemingly lost in her own world. 

_ What do I say to her? What  _ can  _ I say to her? I’m sure she feels horrible but… _

Erin swallowed hard to prevent the tears that threatened from spilling over onto her cheeks. She knew Holtzmann had nothing to do with what had transpired earlier. That it wasn’t her that touched her so roughly, that tried to hurt her. 

_ Just being this close to her right now is making my skin crawl. _

As she closed her eyes to try to shield herself from the pain, Erin couldn’t help but think of the one thing that Rowan said to her as Holtzmann that gave her pause. 

_ “I know every thought going through Jillian’s brain, she’s quite fond of yours, too.” _

She finally had the answer to the question that had been bothering her since the day they met. But now that Erin finally knew that Holtzmann had feelings for her too, the engineer’s mere presence made her extremely uncomfortable. 

_ It wasn’t her Erin. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t… _

“FINALLY! Lord, that traffic was worse than being stuck on the Brooklyn Bridge on 4th of July weekend.”

Patty’s exclamation along with the Ecto-1 screeching to a halt roused Erin from her thoughts. She shot a look over to her right, but Holtzmann had shot out of the door the second they had come to a complete stop. She could hear the back of the hearse opening, Holtzmann undoubtedly preparing the equipment for what was sure to be their toughest job yet. Erin sighed. 

“Hey Erin? You coming?”

Abby looked over her shoulder toward the backseat, a look of concern on her face.  Erin tried to put on a determined, brave face, knowing she had to focus completely on defeating Rowan.

“I’m fine Abby. Let’s get this show on the road.”

As Erin got out of the Ecto-1, she grabbed the proton pack that Patty was holding for her. Preparing herself, she only had one thought running through her head.

_ He’s going to pay for what he did to me. For what he did to _ us.

* * *

The plan had been to drive all the way to the Mercado and face Rowan at once, but the sheer mass of ghosts the man and his hell machine had set free didn’t allow for that to happen; and so, the Ghostbusters ended up having to walk the last bit of the way, all four of them looking at the unsettling number of ghosts in dismay as they tried to steel themselves for the upcoming fight.

“Never been good in a fight”, Erin mumbled, swallowing; next to her, Abby gave her a brief, but reassuring look, and even managed to put a bit of encouragement in her voice when she replied.

“Well”, she said, trying hard to sound not only encouraging, but light-hearted, too, something she didn’t quite manage though, “here’s your chance to learn.”

Erin managed a weak smile, taking in another deep breath afterwards; she readied her proton wand, the others doing the same, Holtzmann speaking up next, still sounding oddly subdued, and not like her usual self, confirming Erin’s suspicions that the engineer certainly felt horrible about what had happened.

“Ladies, you all got your sidearms”, the engineer reminded them of the weapons she had made for them, Erin’s heart clenching as she thought back to this day - she had been upset, she remembered, thanks to the mayor and his gag order, but then Holtzmann had let her have first pick of the weapons, and had given her the Swiss Army knife, and she had dared to hope that maybe, just maybe, this meant that Holtzmann was interested in her too and didn’t just flirt with her for fun.

Now, thanks to Rowan and what he had done, all Erin could think of when she looked at Holtzmann was the manic grin on the blonde’s face, and her unwanted, harsh touch on her body, and she closed her eyes as she took in another breath, telling herself that the best she could do was channel these feelings into the upcoming fight, use them to fuel her anger at Rowan and make all of this a bit easier.

_ You can do this _ , she told herself, and that was all the mental prepping she had time for - as a laugh which came in Kevin’s voice, but didn’t sound much like his usual laughter boomed over Times Square, followed by his voice saying words which weren’t his, in a sarcastic tone which didn’t fit his usual personality at all, making it quite clear that Rowan was still in control of him. 

“Welcome to the glory days of New York City, Ghostbusters”, the man was saying, his voice perfectly audible even though he was nowhere to be seen, even a bit amplified as if he was using a speaker, “have fuu~uun!”

As one, the ghosts turned to look at the four women, and the tallest of them let out a roar which sent cold shivers up and down Erin’s spine, a noise which clearly had been some sort of signal to attack, as a whole group of ghosts started rushing at the Ghostbusters.

And for a while, Erin forgot all about what Rowan had done to her using Holtzmann’s body, focused fully on the fight; the ghosts were fast, and ruthless, but while Erin didn’t have much combat experience, she had a personal grudge against ghosts, one of them having made her childhood and teenage years such a painful time for her, and she used this anger and resentment as she fought them, and used it well.

She pulled off some impressive moves, a bit surprised by her own quick reflexes and the ease with which she ducked and dodged attacks; every now and then, she’d notice Holtzmann steal glances at her from the corner of her eye, but part of her still was all too aware of what had happened, and she kept her distance to the blonde, even though it hurt her and even though she knew it had to hurt Holtzmann, too.

It only hurt worse when she, faced with the ghost of Gertrude Aldridge and the one from the subway, yanked her proton shotgun from the holster strapped to her thigh and, as she pulled the trigger, realized how powerful exactly this weapon was, how powerful Holtzmann had made it  _ for her _ , and she couldn’t even bring herself to call a general expression of gratitude into Holtzmann’s direction.

The impossibly tall leader ghost apparently wasn’t all too happy with how the Ghostbusters were taking down its minions, and let out another roar as a fresh barrage of ghosts came running out of the mist; and Erin saw anger in Holtzmann’s eyes as the engineer mumbled something about her new toys, slapping the control panel strapped to her upper arm a bit harder than necessary and prompting two handguns to pop out of the bottom of her pack, teeth grit as she took hold of them and went to work.

On any other day, before what Rowan had done, Erin might have enjoyed watching this, the pure, unbridled energy with which Holtzmann mowed down ghosts left and right; the long-legged leader went down last, and as Holtzmann lowered her guns, she grumbled “There, you just got Holtzmanned”, making Abby and Patty smile and cheer, but when the engineer looked at Erin, the physicist avoided her gaze, still finding it hard to look at her.

Holtzmann’s shoulders slumped in response to Erin’s reaction, and Erin felt bad again; she didn’t miss the worried look Abby and Patty exchanged, but just couldn’t help herself, feeling bad and awkward as she mumbled something about how they should keep moving, the other three nodding, Holtzmann keeping her gaze fixed onto the sidewalk as she walked along behind them - keeping her distance, Erin noticed, and this was what hurt her most of all.

* * *

Holtzmann pulled the wire with all her might, hoping against hope that her two colleagues would be at the other end once herself and Patty had made up the slack.

_ I can’t let this go unfinished, she needs to know how sorry I am. _

It had happened so fast, Abby being taken into the vortex by Rowan, Erin jumping in after her without a thought. It exemplified some of the things that caused Holtzmann to fall so hard and fast for the physicist. Her unwavering loyalty. The fight inside of her that bubbled just beneath the surface. That determined gaze, whether she was battling a ghost or tackling a difficult equation.

_ And now you messed it up because you’re weak Holtzmann. _

The engineer shook her head, trying to temporarily push such harmful thoughts out of her head, focusing rather on trying to save two of the most important people in her life. 

With one last pull by herself and Patty, Erin and Abby came flying through the now-reformed doors of the Mercado, both women clutching one another tightly. Holtzmann let out an excited whoop, dropping the wire and running toward them, Erin and Abby slowly getting up off the ground.

Without thinking, Holtzmann went to pull Erin into a hug but stopped just short when she saw the look of terror in the physicist’s eyes as she approached.

_ I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. _

Holtzmann stopped short, rubbing the back of her neck with one gloved hand.

“Uh, welcome back. Your hair is… nice.”

Erin stared blankly at the engineer for a moment before flashing her a forced smile. They stood like that, silent, avoiding one another’s gaze, before a perceptive Abby, sensing the tension, pulled herself from Patty’s joyful embrace to move to hug Holtzmann.

“We’re ok Holtz. It’s over. We’ll move forward.”

Holtzmann couldn’t stop the hot tears that stained Abby’s jumpsuit as she buried her head into her friend’s shoulder.

_ It’ll never be over. _


	4. Chapter 4

For a while, Holtzmann had allowed herself to hope that perhaps, she had been too pessimistic when she had thought to herself that things would never be alright again; as the days passed though, that hope slowly withered and died, and she started to wonder if things had been messed up too badly by what had happened to ever be repaired.

Erin tried to act normal around her, Holtzmann knew, the redhead really did try; despite how hard Erin tried though, the air of awkwardness and the bit of fear the physicist still felt didn’t vanish, but were a painful, constant reminder of what Rowan had done, of how he had used Holtzmann’s body to destroy whatever might have been developing between Erin and herself before they even had had the chance to become fully aware of what it was.

Erin tried hard to act as if things were normal, but Holtzmann was perceptive - more so, perhaps, than people sometimes gave her credit for - and she noticed the signs; the first few days after the battle of Times Square, she noticed how Erin would flinch whenever she touched her, or just made a movement towards her too fast.

Holtzmann had always been a touchy-feely kind of person, but she stopped touching Erin after the physicist had stiffened up yet again three days after the fight.

Every now and then, she’d look up from her work to find Erin staring at her, with an oddly apprehensive look; before the whole mess with Rowan, the look in Erin’s eyes when Holtzmann had caught her staring had been one of curiousness and of fondness, but that was gone, replaced by this new look which hurt Holtzmann so much that she could barely stomach it.

She wondered how things were ever supposed to go back to normal between them, at this point, she bitterly thought to herself as she worked alone in the lab yet again, she didn’t even dare hope for anything romantic to develop between them; all she wanted was to get Erin’s friendship back, but she doubted that even this was still possible, after what had happened when Rowan had had control of her body.

What hurt the most, Holtzmann thought to herself as she stared at the proton pack she was trying to work on, was that she had no idea how to fix this; she knew how to fix damage done to their equipment, or to Ecto-1, but she had no idea how to make this mess with Erin better.

_ How can I ever make this better _ , she helplessly thought to herself as she stared at the coloured wires and metal bits and pieces of the pack,  _ it’s not like I can just walk up to her and be like, Hey, sorry that Rowan used my body to assault and molest you! Jesus… _

Groaning, Holtzmann let her head drop down onto the workbench; she remained in that position for a while, not moving a muscle, then finally lifted her head again, glaring at the pack as if it was to blame, and perhaps applying a bit more pressure than strictly necessary with her screwdriver when she went to work on it again. 

_ Can’t even blame her _ , she angrily thought to herself as she continued her work, grip on the screwdriver tightening,  _ he wouldn’t have stopped if she hadn’t made him stop by doing what she did. And she knows that, she knows he would have used your body to… Just because you were too weak to stop him. Just because all you could do was take the passenger seat and watch him molest her and listen to him tell her all these horrible creepy things. _

Abby had told her, in a private moment when neither Erin, nor Patty had been around, that there was nothing she could have done, that she shouldn’t blame herself for how Rowan had taken control; and while part of her knew that Abby was right, Holtzmann couldn’t help herself, but just had to keep on thinking back to the moment the man’s ghost had possessed her, to how easy it had been… and to how he had laughed at her inside her own head, how he had told her what he would do to Erin before he had left the bathroom to turn his words into reality.

_ No surprise she hates me,  _ the engineer bitterly thought to herself as she finished her work on the pack,  _ I hate me, too. _

“Holtzy!” Abby’s voice from downstairs distracted her from these dark thoughts, “bust! That pack better be ready!”

“It is!” Holtzmann called back, letting the screwdriver drop onto the workbench and grabbing the pack, “be there in a second!”

She took in a deep breath to steel herself for being in the same car and then building with Erin again, all too aware how uncomfortable the physicist was around her; then, she hurried down the stairs, not daring to take the pole with the heavy proton pack in her hands, immediately taking note of how Erin looked everywhere but at her when she joined the other three downstairs and quickly pulled on her jumpsuit.

“I’ll give you the details on the way”, Abby said as she pulled on her rubber boots, then took the pack from Holtzmann, “doesn’t sound too dangerous though, should be an easy thing for all four of us together.”

Holtzmann nodded, leading the way to Ecto-1; she got into the driver’s seat, as always… and as always, Erin got into the backseat behind the passenger seat, unaware of how this simple choice of seat made Holtzmann’s heart clench up.

It was the farthest Erin could possibly sit from her in the car, and as she drove, Holtzmann wondered if that rift between them would ever mend again.

* * *

“Not too dangerous, huh?!”

Holtzmann cringed at the snarl in Patty’s voice, even though it wasn’t directed at her. What seemed like an average bust at a former shoe factory now turned into lofts, had now evolved into a full blown battle. Abby shook her head before disintegrating a Class Three with her sidearm.

“The owner didn’t mention on the phone that there was an incident in the late 1800’s with a cobbler and a machete! How was I supposed to know?”

A small grunt from Holtzmann’s left distracted her from Patty and Abby’s continued bickering. She turned to see Erin struggling to capture a particularly rambunctious Class Four in her proton streams, the ghost thrashing violently.

“Here Erin, let me help -”   


“No, I got it Holtz!” 

Erin’s voice was harsher than it should be, making the engineer flinch.  _ We can’t even do our jobs without the incident affecting us. Will it ever end? _

Holtzmann caught movement out of the corner of her eye, spotting another Class Four coming up from behind Erin at full speed. 

“Erin! Get down!”

Without thinking, she grabbed Erin in a bear hug and hit the deck. The physicist managed to switch off her weapon right before Holtzmann embraced her, the two women hitting the basement floor with a dull thud.

Holtzmann could pick up Patty and Abby screaming behind them as they fought off the two specters that nearly injured Erin. But it was a muted noise, as all Holtzmann could hear was the blood pounding in her ears from the adrenaline rush. And the fact her body was squarely on top of Erin’s, Holtzmann feeling a rising heat where their bodies touched.

Time seemed to stop as Holtzmann looked into Erin’s eyes.

And saw nothing but fear.

“Get - get off me Holtzmann!” 

Erin used both hands to violently shove the blonde off of her, Holtzmann emitting a strangled cry as her proton pack dug into her back from being tossed aside. The engineer laid there, turtle-like, while her three colleagues finished off the remaining ghosts.

_ I don’t know how much more I can take this is too much it hurts so bad and… _

“Holtzmann?” The blonde felt a hand on her shoulder and looked to see Patty crouching down next to her, a concerned look on her face. Holtzmann glanced over her friend’s shoulder to see Abby comforting a visibly upset Erin. The engineer sprung up so quickly she nearly knocked Patty over, sprinting up the stairs to the Ecto-1 outside, ignoring the worried cries behind her.

Holtzmann put her equipment away in the back of the hearse with shaking hands. After she slammed the trunk, she put her head against the back of the car and closed her eyes. All she could see was Erin’s look of terror when she was underneath her, her watery eyes as Abby consoled her.

“Holtz?” The engineer cringed when she heard Abby’s voice behind her. She took a deep breath, knowing what she had to do. She spun around to speak to Abby, her voice stilted, her eyes looking at a piece of chewed gum stuck to the sidewalk below her left boot.

“Hey, uh, I don’t feel too well Abs. I think I ate something funny. Why don’t you all head back to the firehouse - I only live a few blocks from here so I’m just gonna hoof it home, if that’s ok?”

“Holtzmann, you live like over a mile from here, let us give you a ride -”

“Thanks Abby!” The blonde thrust the Ecto-1’s car keys in the other woman’s sweaty palm, turning and sprinting down the street before Abby could stop her.

Before she could see Erin again.

“Come back! We need to talk! Holtzmann!”

Holtzmann ignored Abby’s pleas, tears flooding her vision as she turned the corner.

She couldn’t bring herself to come into work the following day.


	5. Chapter 5

Erin had been a bit concerned when she had come to work the day after the unfortunate mishap at the bust and Holtzmann hadn’t been there yet, but had told herself that there was no reason to worry, that surely, the engineer would still show up.

When eight turned to nine and then to ten, Erin got more and more worried, and from the looks on the faces of Abby and Patty, she could tell she wasn’t the only one.

“Anything?” Patty asked when she noticed Abby checking her cell phone yet again; dismayed, the researcher shook her head, a bit startled when in response, Patty came to her feet, a look of determination on her face.

“I’ll go to her home”, the historian declared, “and see if she’s there. I’ll let you guys know, alright?”

Abby nodded at once, and after a moment, Erin did, too; Patty reassured them she’d hurry, then left the firehouse, and for a while, the ground floor was silent after her departure, Erin staring at her notebook as she pretended to work, waiting for Abby to speak up, knowing her best friend would, sooner or later.

And she was right, and it happened sooner rather than later; Abby cleared her throat at first, then finally said something, pretty much exactly the words Erin had been expecting.

“It’s not her fault and it wasn’t her”, Abby said, thankfully not adding something like “and you know this”, and thus not putting any of the blame on Erin; Abby knew just as well as Erin herself that the physicist was all too aware of this, but shifting the blame from Holtzmann to her would only make things worse.

“I know”, Erin gave back, letting out a groan afterwards as she let the notebook drop to her desk and fought the urge to bury her face in her hands, “I  _ know _ . I know it wasn’t her, but… Abby, I just can’t stop remembering it. Whenever she looks at me, I see  _ him _ looking at me through her eyes and…”

She fell silent, running a shaking hand down her face now; she hadn’t told the others what exactly Rowan had done when he had been possessing Holtz, and apparently, Abby hadn’t been fully aware of the man’s intentions, and Erin felt her stomach clench when she realized that she’d have to reveal some, if not all of it, if she wanted to make Abby understand.

“I can’t stop thinking of what he said”, she told the researcher, the pain in her eyes when she looked up at her again making Abby’s heart clench up, “and of… of how he touched me, when he was possessing her. I know it wasn’t her, but it was her voice and her hands he used and… if I hadn’t kicked her, hadn’t stopped her… him… he wouldn’t have stopped, either.”

“Jesus”, Abby said in an oddly breathless voice, for the first time fully realizing what Rowan had done when he had been in Holtzmann’s body; she rushed to Erin’s side and placed a comforting hand on the physicist’s back, Erin letting out a shaky breath in response, giving her another unhappy look afterwards.

“I know it’s not her fault”, she said again, eager to get this point across, “and I know it wasn’t Holtzmann who did these things. And I know it’s unfair to treat her like this, but I just… I don’t know how to look at her and not see him stare back at me…”

“I understand”, Abby reassured her, rubbing her back soothingly, “it’s neither her fault, nor yours. But Erin, you have to talk to her, you both feel terrible about this, and it won’t get better until you speak about it. You know she feels as bad about this as you do…”

“I was hoping she’d like me, you know”, Erin mumbled tonelessly, surprising Abby a bit - she had noticed Holtzmann flirting with Erin, and had taken note of the physicist’s reactions, but she hadn’t been quite sure that her best friend actually did like Holtzmann back this way, “then he told me that she does, and that ruined everything, because it was  _ him _ saying it, while he was groping me. God, I wish he’d appear here again so I can bust his ghost all over, for what he did to me. To us.”

“He’s gone”, Abby reminded her, making her grimace a bit, “and good riddance. I understand how you feel Erin, I really do, even though I can’t imagine how awful that must have been but… You need to talk to Holtz about this. Neither Patty, nor I can help the two of you with this, you have to deal with this together, or it’ll destroy the team. And it’ll destroy both of you, because I can see how much both of you are hurting.”

Erin swallowed heavily against the sudden lump in her throat and the tears in her eyes, but nodded; Abby gave her a reassuring, kind smile, then pulled her into an embrace, and Erin immediately hugged her back as she buried her face in Abby’s shoulder, a small sniffle coming from her when the researcher rubbed her back again.

“I’ll talk to her”, Erin mumbled after a while, once she could be sure she wouldn’t burst into tears the moment she’d open her mouth, “you’re right, this will destroy the team if we don’t figure out how to deal with it, and that is the last thing I want… and I need to tell her it’s not her fault, we need to fix this…”

Abby nodded, but before she could do more than that, her phone buzzed on the table; she pulled back from the embrace with an apologetic look at the physicist, holding back an unhappy frown when she saw that it was Patty texting her and what the historian had written. 

_ Am at Holtzy’s home _ , the text said,  _ but she’s not. Coming back to the firehouse. _

“I’ll go look for her”, Erin decided the moment Abby had finished reading the text to her, coming to her feet already and earning a surprised look from her friend, the researcher wondering where Erin wanted to look if Holtzmann wasn’t home, if she knew something about the engineer’s preferred places Abby and Patty didn’t know; she didn’t comment on it though, but just nodded, smiling again at what Erin said next as she grabbed her jacket.

“I need to fix this”, Erin stated, a look of fierce determination on her face now, “before it gets messed up beyond repair. I’ll let you know if I find her, ok?”

Abby gave another nod, and after a brave smile, Erin headed out, not quite sure where she should start looking, but knowing that she had to find Holtzmann and talk to her before the whole situation would be too bad to ever be made better again.

* * *

Erin had checked the pizza joint around the corner from Holtzmann’s apartment, her favorite coffee shop, and three bars within walking distance to her house, and there was not an eccentric blonde engineer in sight. She sighed, leaning against the wall of her latest attempt to find Holtzmann, the thrift store that she knew the engineer loved to peruse when she was feeling down.

But still nothing. 

A bit of a random conversation slipped into Erin’s head, a talk herself and Holtzmann had had several months prior, during a late night at the firehouse when they had both stayed to finish up some work. It was one of those talks about nothing in particular, but suddenly an offhand remark by Holtzmann stuck in Erin’s consciousness.

_ “Sometimes when I like to be left alone, where no one knows me or gives a crap, I go to this dump of a bar called  _ Danny’s _ in Queens.” _

_ “Do you go there often Holtz?” _

_ “Nah, not really. I don’t need to run away from anything anymore.” _

Erin bolted out of the thrift store so quickly she nearly knocked down an entire rack of vintage pants.

* * *

To say Danny’s was a dump was an understatement.

Erin could feel her pumps sticking to the floor as she approached the bar in the back corner of the dingy interior. Even though smoking had been outlawed in such establishments for years, the bar still smelled strongly of cigarette smoke, a reminder of eons gone by. The scent was also a lingering indication of how unlikely it was that the place had been cleaned anytime in the recent past.

Through the depressing dimness, Erin spotted a tuft of blonde hair resting on the far end of the bar.

Erin tried to ignore the ever-growing stench of cheap beer as she approached the bar, laying a gentle hand on a leather jacket clad shoulder, shaking it.

“Holtz? Holtzmann?”

The blonde lifted her head off the bar top and turned to look at Erin, a thin line of drool extending from the corner of her mouth to the sleeve of her leather jacket, on which she had been resting her head. Her eyes were weary and red-rimmed, making Erin’s heart clench.

“Er? Whaddya doin’ here?”

Erin tried not to cringe at how slurred Holtzmann’s words were, the smell of grain alcohol rolling off of her in waves. She tried to give her best comforting smile before speaking.

“I was worried about you. We all were. We hadn’t heard from you since the bust yesterday.”

“Is s’ok,” Holtzmann moved to put her head back on the bar, but Erin prevented her by cupping her cheek.

“Holtzmann. Come with me. Please.”

The gruff, middle-aged bartender interjected, walking toward them while drying off a glass with a towel that might not have been all that clean.

“You with her?”

“Um, yes.” Erin straightened up, slightly nervous. “I’m her friend.”

“Well your friend nearly drank me dry of the well whiskey, and has been passed out for the last hour and a half. I was going to call to get her put in the drunk tank if she hadn’t woken up soon.”

“That won’t be necessary. Let me pay the tab for her.” Erin cringed at the damage, wondering how long Holtzmann had been at the bar to rack up such a high amount. But judging from her current state of inebriation, Erin surmised it had been several hours at least.

“C’mon Holtzy. Let’s go.” Erin jostled Holtzmann again, who turned and slumped forward, her head resting on the physicist’s chest. Erin let out a small groan as she struggled to wrap one of Holtzmann’s arms around her shoulder and gently moved her off the bar stool. The blonde’s feet nearly gave way as they hit the ground, Erin placing her other arm around Holtzmann’s midsection to prevent her from sinking to the floor.

“We’re gonna get a cab and go to my place, ok? We’ll fix this.”

As Erin practically dragged Holtzmann to the bar’s exit, she nervously swallowed.

_ I need to fix more than Holtzmann’s future hangover. I need to fix  _ us.

* * *

Erin wrinkled her nose.

“It’s ok Holtzy. It’s gonna be ok.”

Holtzmann vomited in Erin’s toilet for what felt like the fiftieth time in the last hour. She rubbed the blonde’s back soothingly, sitting on the floor next to Holtzmann as she retched. Normally Erin would shy away from such things, the mere sounds of someone puking making her skin crawl. But she felt compelled to help Holtzmann through this, to support her.

_ This is partially my fault. I should have never pushed her away. _

“Erin?” 

The physicist looked over at Holtzmann, who still had one arm wrapped around the toilet bowl, her head slightly raised. Erin could see the sweat on the engineer’s brow, the flush on her cheeks, the way her eyes were slits.

“How are you doing?”

“Better?” Holtzmann coughed loudly, Erin fearful another round of vomiting was about to begin. The blonde shook her head. “I don’t think there’s anything left in me. Could I have some water please?”

“Of course.” Erin pushed a few sweaty curls off Holtzmann’s face before standing up. After a couple minutes she returned with a cup of water, two Advil and a damp washcloth.

“Here, take these ok?”

Holtzmann nodded before putting the medicine in her mouth and swallowing them with a big gulp of water. She slowly drained the glass, Erin sitting back next to her on the floor, wiping at her face with the cool cloth. 

“You’re so good to me, I don’t know why you’d -”

“Shhhhhh…. we’ll have time to talk about that later. For now I’m putting you to bed ok? You’re weak and you probably haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days.”

“Weeks,” Holtzmann contradicted, reaching for Erin’s outstretched hand, the physicist having stood up.

“Well then, tonight you’re going to sleep well for the first time in awhile.”

Erin placed her hand on the small of Holtzmann’s back to guide her to the bedroom. She noticed the younger woman didn’t protest, most likely due to the fact she was exhausted and shaky from her bender. And the stress that caused it.

She gave Holtzmann a faded Columbia t-shirt and a pair of jogging pants to change into, grabbing her own pyjamas off her dresser, figuring since it was after 10pm she might as well head off to bed too. As she exited the bedroom, a small voice pleaded behind her. 

“Erin? Could you… could you stay with me tonight.  I know I don’t deserve it, but…”

Erin’s heart nearly broke at the sad expression on Holtzmann’s face, the tears that had started to streak down her cheeks.

“Sure, Holtz. Let me just change, all right?”

It took only a few minutes for Erin to prepare for bed, sliding under the covers next to Holtzmann when she returned, noting the blonde had laid in the fetal position facing the wall. She leaned over to turn off the light on her nightstand before realizing that Holtzmann was shaking.

Holtzmann was shaking because she was sobbing.

“Hey,” Erin placed a tentative hand on Holtzmann’s midsection. “Holtzy? C'mere.”

With a gentle tug, Holtzmann turned over and buried her head into Erin’s shoulder, hot tears soaking through the physicist’s nightshirt. Erin wrapped her arms around Holtzmann and stroked her back, whispering soothing words into the younger woman’s ear. She placed a light kiss on Holtzmann’s forehead when the crying had stopped, the blonde easing into sleep. As she herself drifted off, a lone thought crept into Erin’s head.

_ This is the first time since it happened I’ve felt comfortable touching her. And vice-versa. _

Erin slept peacefully. 


	6. Chapter 6

_ Oh holy Hell, how much did I drink last night? _

Holtzmann groaned as the light hurt her eyes even before she had opened them; it was just sunlight, she figured, but it was way too bright, and she squeezed her eyes shut, holding back another groan as her stomach turned.

_ Too much, apparently. But not enough to… _

Not enough for a blackout to occur, she realized, perfectly remembering everything which had happened; she remembered how she had drifted off into drunk slumber at the bar, then how Erin suddenly had been there, how the physicist had taken her home with her, how she had thrown up - and how embarrassed was she by  _ that _ , she knew that Erin was creeped out by vomit - and how they had shared Erin’s bed, the physicist having held her close as she had cried.

As she thought back to how good it had felt to have Erin hold her like this, Holtzmann realized that she was alone in the physicist’s bed; she had a moment to feel worried and a bit frightened, thinking that perhaps, Erin hadn’t been able to be around her anymore and had left, even though it was her own home, and she’d find a note somewhere telling her to leave ASAP once she’d get up… and then she heard noise from the kitchen, and nearly cried with relief as she realized that Erin simply had woken up before her and was busy preparing breakfast.

Or lunch, she realized after she finally dared to open her eyes and peered at her watch, it was closer to noon than morning, and she frowned to herself, startled by how long she had been asleep, after weeks during which the little sleep she had gotten had been plagued with nightmares.

The rummaging in the kitchen stopped as Holtzmann realized these things, followed by footsteps approaching the bedroom; she could tell that Erin was trying to be quiet, so she wouldn’t wake her up, the way the redhead soundlessly opened the door confirming this assumption, Erin looking a bit surprised when her eyes met Holtzmann’s. 

“Hey”, the physicist then said, smiling a bit, making Holtzmann feel relieved all over again as the smile showed that Erin, while perhaps not having forgiven her fully yet, at least was more comfortable around her again then she had been ever since The Incident, “did you sleep well?”

“Yeah”, Holtzmann let her know, a bit startled by how hoarse her voice sounded, something she blamed on the alcohol and the crying fit she’d had before falling asleep, “um… thank you. For taking care of me like this.”

“Not done yet”, Erin told her with another smile, “there’s coffee ready if you feel up to having some, or I can get you some more water and Advil. If you can handle food, I made toast and eggs sunny side up.”

“Water and Advil first, I think”, Holtzmann mumbled, so touched by Erin’s kindness that she almost teared up again, “then some coffee, unless the water makes a comeback… I’m sorry, that was gross.”

Erin shrugged and smiled, then told her she’d be right back; she made a beeline for the bathroom, then a detour to the kitchen, and when she came back, she carried a glass of water and two more painkillers, Holtzmann giving her a grateful look as she accepted them and gulped them down. 

“... okay”, she mumbled once she could be reasonably sure that the water wouldn’t take the express train back up, “I think we’re good on the coffee front.”

“Good”, Erin smiled, “I can bring you some if you’d like?”

“I’d better get out of bed”, Holtzmann said, even though the thought of having coffee in Erin’s bed was somewhat appealing; pushing those ideas aside, telling herself that she had blown any chance of that ever happening in a more pleasant context when Rowan had possessed her, and that Erin was just being nice, after the drama she had caused with her bender the previous evening.

Erin looked at her a bit worried, but didn’t try to stop her; instead, she led the way to the kitchen, offering Holtzmann a seat there, the engineer glancing around as she sat down at the kitchen table, taking note of how clean -  _ unused,  _ she thought to herself - the area was.

“Look”, Erin said as she poured a mug of coffee for the engineer for the blonde, “I have a cup you might appreciate.”

She smiled again as she turned and presented the mug to Holtzmann with a flourish; squinting, the engineer read the black print on it, and even though her head still hurt and her mouth was unpleasantly dry despite the glass of water she’d had, she snorted at said print.

**Particle Physics Give Me A Hadron** , the cup proudly declared, and it was simultaneously so unfitting for how Erin presented herself to the world and a pun made as if just for her that it was ridiculous and for a moment even let her forget about her worries and guilt. 

“That is perfect”, she said, making Erin smile brightly at her while she poured coffee for herself, as well - in a plain blue mug, with no print, “and it fits you so well, but on the same time, it doesn’t. Confusingly excellent.”

“Glad you like it”, Erin smirked as she put milk and a jar of sugar on the table, then sat down, “Abby gave it to me as a Welcome Back gift shortly after we’d moved to the firehouse.”

Holtzmann smirked again, figuring she should have known that this had been a gift, then busied herself with adding milk and enough sugar to make Erin frown to her coffee; for a while, the only noise in the kitchen was her spoon clinking against the mug as she stirred, then Erin spoke up, and her words made the engineer swallow heavily.

“We should talk, Holtz”, the physicist said, quickly speaking on just to make sure Holtzmann wouldn’t get the wrong idea, the engineer looking anxious and a bit frightened already, “um, just to, you know, clear the air. I’m not gonna yell at you or something, but… You know we should talk about what happened.”

Holtzmann swallowed and looked at her coffee, mesmerized by the way the liquid still swirled from her over-zealous spoon stirring.

“I’ll understand if you never want to be friends again Erin.” The blonde’s voice was flat, as she struggled to keep the threat of tears at bay. “What I did was unforgivable.”

“I won’t forgive you Holtz.”

“Oh.”

Holtzmann wished she could sink into the floor. Disappear. As far as she was concerned, a light inside of her had been extinguished, unlikely ever to burn brightly again. 

“Holtzy.”

She felt a trembling hand on her chin, lifting it up so her eyes would meet Erin’s from across the table. The physicist’s eyes were a deeper shade of blue than she ever remembered seeing.

“I won’t forgive you because there’s nothing to forgive you for.”

“Huh?”

“Holtzmann. That wasn’t you who said all those things to me. Who tried to hurt me. I’ve always known that, but it was hard for me to reconcile it. Because I’d see you, and even though you were the same person you were before, all I could picture was your face when Rowan was inside you. When he did things that were so un-Holtzmann like. But remembering your face when he was inside you is what is helping me get past this.”

The blonde’s brow furrowed. “Whaddya mean?”

Erin rubbed her face with her hands. “Holtz, when he had me pressed against the wall, when he was so close to doing things that would be unspeakable, I looked into your eyes. And it wasn’t you. Those beautiful baby blue eyes I fell for months ago were gone, replaced by something sinister. Dark.”

“I want us to start again Holtz. I want us to be the friends we were before any of this happened. And grow closer.”

Holtzmann shook her head. “I was so weak, I should have stopped it. I never should have let it happen Erin. You didn’t deserve that.”

Erin reached across the table to clasp Holtzmann’s hand with her own. “You didn’t deserve that either Holtz. Neither of us did. You were not weak. In fact, you’ve been so strong throughout all this. I don’t think I would’ve handled everything as well as you have. I would have fallen apart.”

There was a pause before the blonde spoke again, her tone noticeably lighter. “Wait, you fell for my eyes?” A slight smirk spread across Holtzmann’s face. “Was that the only thing you fell for?”

A blush began to redden Erin’s cheeks. “Well, if you must know…”

Holtzmann raised her eyebrows. “Yeeeeeeees?”

“I fell for your dance moves too. When you weren’t trying to burn down the lab while doing so.”

For the first time in what seemed like eons, Holtzmann laughed. The mere sound made tears spring into Erin’s eyes as she laughed along with her, feeling as if an anvil had been lifted from her psyche. 

There was a pause when the laughing subsided, both women lost in thought. Holtzmann rubbed her thumb across the back of Erin’s hand, her voice barely above a whisper.

“I missed this Erin. I missed  _ you _ .”

“I missed you too Holtz.” Erin swallowed, steeling herself to ask a question that had been on the tip of her tongue since the incident. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Er. Anything.”

“I don’t want to dwell on things, but when Rowan was inside you, he said you were quite fond of me. Is this… true?” 

Erin cast her eyes downward, afraid of what she would hear. 

“It’s true Erin. That was one thing that asshole didn’t lie about.” Holtzmann sighed heavily. “I just hate that you had to find out that way.”

Erin squeezed her hand, looking into eyes she could get lost in forever. 

“We’re going to be okay Holtz. I promise you. We’re both going to be fine.”


	7. Chapter 7

In the next day, Abby was already at the firehouse when Erin and Holtzmann arrived there together; this didn’t really surprise Erin, but it still made her feel bad as she realized that, while she had found Holtzmann and things were more or less okay again between them, with all the excitement and taking care of drunk and then hungover Holtz, she had completely forgotten to text Abby that she had found the engineer and that the blonde was okay.

“There you are!” Abby exclaimed the moment the two stepped into the building, “thank Goodness, we were so worried!”

“Sorry”, Erin sheepishly replied, feeling her cheeks heat up a bit under Abby’s strict look, “I kinda… forgot to text you? There was a lot going on so…” “I’ll, um, I’ll head up to the lab”, Holtzmann threw in before Abby had the chance to respond to this, “I’ll see you guys later…”

Erin nodded and smiled at her, and even though Holtzmann looked a bit awkward, Abby was relieved to see the blonde smile back; then, the engineer practically bounced over to and then up the stairwell and was gone, and the energy with which she had gone upstairs showed the researcher that things had to be back on the right track.

“I should scold you for not texting”, Abby said while Erin moved from the door to her desk, taking off her jacket there and placing her bag on the floor next to her workspace, “but honestly, I’m just glad you guys talked and made up. Wait, you did, right?”

“Yes”, Erin confirmed, making her smile with relief, “we had a talk and things are… back to how they’re supposed to be. Well, mostly.”

“What do you mean, mostly”, Abby wanted to know, worried all over again, only to raise an eyebrow at how Erin blushed, then cleared her throat, then even began to fidget, making it quite clear that she was embarrassed.

“I, um”, she started, paused to clear her throat again - only intriguing Abby more, “I kinda sorta… let it slip that I… have a thing for her. Oh, no, that sounds so wrong. I mean, I kinda told her I fell for her beautiful baby blues.”

“And you said it like that?” Abby wanted to know with a little snort, earning an indignant look from her best friend, “and also, you did? What about our hunky receptionist?”

“Don’t act as if you didn’t notice”, Erin replied with a roll of her eyes, perfectly aware that Abby knew her well enough that she had been able to tell, “cause I know you did. Certainly, you also noticed that while I still find Kevin nice to look at, his… limited mental capacities just couldn’t be overlooked.”

“I also noticed that find Holtzy’s butt nice to look at”, Abby told her, snickering at how Erin blushed again, “you’re right, I was perfectly aware of it. You’re many things, Erin, and you know I love you dearly, but you’re so not subtle when you find someone attractive. Honestly, a few times when Holtz bent over to pick up a tool she dropped or whatever, I was surprised your eyes didn’t roll out of your head.”

“Shush”, Erin said, her blush deepening, “before Holtz hears you! Anyway… yeah, I let it slip that I fell for her beautiful baby blues and for her dancing - when she wasn’t setting things on fire - and… yeah. So she knows now, she told me that when Rowan said she felt for me it was true, but… I don’t think we’re quite ready yet to do anything about it.”

“Well, it’s not like there’s a deadline or anything”, Abby pointed out, smiling, “and that’s good thinking, don’t rush things now, with things just going back to normal. You know, Holtzy has had a thing for you ever since you walked into the lab back at Higgins, so that won’t be a problem.”

“Really?” Erin gave back, blushing again, to Abby’s amusement; she reassured the physicist that it was true, and reminded her of the fact that the very first thing Holtzmann had said to her had been a pick-up line, smirking in amusement when Erin’s blush deepened in response.

“Well, yeah”, the redhead had to admit, her cheeks almost rivalling her hair at this point, “but I thought that’s just… you know, her thing. I didn’t know I was special.”

“You are”, Abby replied, suddenly quite sincere and solemn; and even though she was still was a bit embarrassed, Erin was touched now, as well, smiling at her friend, Abby beaming back at her, the two of them just sitting there like that for a few moments - until Abby cleared her throat and declared she would go back to her work.

“Patty’s gonna talk to Holtz I imagine”, she added, “or maybe yell at her for vanishing like that. Perhaps both. I’m just glad you found her and that things are good between you again.”

“Believe me, so am I”, Erin gave back with a small sigh, then glanced towards the stairway leading up to the second floor, to Holtzmann’s lab, and at the soft smile which curled her lips as she looked that way, Abby’s heart warmed up, the researcher smiling to herself as well as she walked back to her desk, suddenly just knowing that things would be perfectly fine again soon - and perhaps even better for both Erin and Holtzmann than they had been before.

* * *

It was a week later when it happened.  

It was shortly after a lunch of subs from the local deli, Erin having ate a sensible ham and cheese, Holtz a grinder with nearly every type of cheese and cold cuts the place had on offer. Holtzmann had called Erin over to look at the specs for a new project she was working on - a splitter that would enable one of the Ghostbusters to capture two spectres in their proton streams simultaneously.

As the engineer excitedly explained her newest invention, Erin became mesmerized by Holtzmann’s charisma.

The way she waved her hands excitedly when she spoke. 

The way Holtzmann’s eyes got almost impossibly blue the more she talked about her “babies." 

The way the blonde both bit her bottom lip and intermittently licked it, in-between run-on sentences where she had to gasp for breath from her vocal stream of consciousness.

It was too much.

Holtzmann was mid-sentence when Erin pounced.

The engineer’s lips were slightly chapped, her mouth tasted of onions and root beer. For a moment Erin’s stomach dropped at Holtzmann’s lack of response to her kiss.

But then Erin felt hands in her hair and a tongue seeking entrance to her mouth. And when she heard a groan, she realized it was not just her that made a sound mid-kiss, it was Holtzmann as well.

When they separated, Holtzmann still had her eyes closed, her breathing heavy, in tandem with Erin’s own.

“Wow…”

“Yeah. Wow.”

“Why didn’t we do this sooner?” The blonde sported a sly grin as she opened her eyes, the intensity of her stare causing Erin’s heart to skip a beat.

“Uh… dunno?” Erin knew why they hadn’t done anything physical prior, the nervousness of being so intimate after what had happened to them still prevalent. But the moment had felt _right_ to Erin, and she didn’t regret it in the slightest.

Holtzmann traced a lazy finger down Erin’s cheek, her smile becoming wistful. Had she not known any better, she would have sworn she saw the engineer’s eyes becoming misty.

“Let me take you out Friday night. Somewhere special.”

“You mean like a date? A date, date?”

Holtzmann laughed, the sound making Erin’s heart soar. “Yeah, a date, date Gilbert. I mean Friday nights are usually when I de-ionize my boxers. You’d have to be pretty special for me to postpone that, eh?" 

Erin snorted before placing a soft kiss on Holtzmann’s nose. She placed her head on the blonde’s shoulder, Holtzmann hugging her tight across her waist. When she spoke, it was muffled against the engineer’s neck.

“I’d love it if you took me out on a date Holtzy. I’m more than willing to do whatever, as long as it’s with you.”

Holtzmann pulled back to look into Erin’s eyes, eyebrow raised.

“Anything?”

“Oh shush, you. C’mere.”

  _I could do this forever_ Erin mused as their lips mingled once again. She was so caught up, that the sound of a wolf whistle startled her.

 “Finally! Thank god”

Abby’s booming voice from the top of the stairs caused Erin to look over her shoulder, a blush creeping up from her neck. She spotted Patty alongside Abby, her fingers still in her mouth from the loud whistle moments before.

“Get it y’all. But if I find you two doing the nasty up in here, you will feel my wrath.”

“We’ll wait until you’re gone for the day, ok Pattycakes?”

Holtzmann’s statement and subsequent wink resulted in Abby making a retching sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elder Holtzbro just popping in to let y'all know how much your comments/kudos means to both of us. It tickles us that you like our brainfarts so much :D


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dreamshaper here - and another one done :) My Holtzbro and I had fun writing this - despite the pain and troubles we put poor Holtzbert through, but, well, we're evil people XD Stay tuned for our next one and we hope you enjoyed this :D

Erin couldn’t help but smile.

The somewhere special Holtzmann wanted to take her out on their first date was Nino’s, the most stereotypical Italian  trattoria Erin had ever been in. Checkered tablecloths, waxy candles in tin bowls, the basket of crispy grissini refilled every time Holtzmann emptied it (going on three times currently). The short, distinguished gentleman who greeted the blonde shortly after they were seated, kissing Holtzmann on both cheeks before admonishing her for not stopping by recently.

The man, who Erin presumed was the owner, turned to look at her, a widening smile on his face. 

“Jillian! Who is this beautiful creature that you have brought into my restaurant?”

“Ah, this is my gorgeously, brilliant girlfriend Erin. Erin, this is Frank, the owner of this fine establishment.”

Erin barely noticed when Frank took her hand and kissed the top of it, saying some words in Italian that she inferred was complimentary and romantic. 

_ Girlfriend. I’m Holtzmann’s *girlfriend* _

The physicist couldn’t help but grin the entire time she reviewed the menu. She ordered a simple dish of spaghetti and meatballs, while Holtzmann ordered the chef’s special in perfect Italian, causing Erin to flush.

“So, Frank?”

“Ah, he’s harmless. A really great guy.” Holtzmann adjusted the paisley tie she was wearing before continuing. “When I was working at Higgins I didn’t have a ton of money for awhile. So Frank hooked me up with some of the best pasta in the city in exchange for helping with various odds and ends around the restaurant. The boiler in this place is a real bitch.”

“The best part was …” Holtzmann popped the remnants of the last breadstick in her mouth. “... all the free day-old grissini I could eat.” 

Erin raised her eyebrows. “You let him call you Jillian.” 

“Him, my late grandmother and maybe you later under the sheets are the only ones allowed.” Holtzmann winked, obviously thrilled at the blush spreading across Erin’s face. The physicist was saved from coming up with a witty retort by the waitress bringing them their entrees. 

Erin took dainty bites of her meal, watching in awe as Holtzmann devoured her spaghetti alla puttanesca. The blonde looked up at her, one piece of pasta hanging out of her mouth before she slurped it up.

“Gilbert. Are you  _ cutting _ your spaghetti?”

“Why, yes. Less chance of making a mess and much easier to eat.” 

Holtzmann shook her head. “That is so you Er.”

Erin put her fork down. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Before the physicist could feign being upset, Holtzmann leaned across the table and planted a wet, sauce filled kiss on Erin’s lips.

“That you’re adorkable.”

The two women exchanged broad smiles before returning to their meals. The rest of dinner was accompanied by pleasant conversation, punctuated several times by Erin’s laughter at Holtzmann’s antics.

_ I’ve missed this. So much. _

It was during a dessert of a shared tiramisu and cappuccino that Erin heard the familiar strains of something from a recent fond memory. She turned to see a man in a tuxedo playing the violin while approaching their table. It took a moment before Erin placed the song. 

“Holtz? Is he playing Rhythm of the Night?”

“Yep. No blowtorches this time hot stuff. Frank wouldn’t allow it, sorry.”

Erin reached across the checkered tablecloth to clasp Holtzmann’s hand.

“This is the best first date I’ve ever had. By far.”

Holtzmann grinned. “It’s not even over yet Er.”

* * *

After dessert had been finished and Holtzmann had paid - having insisted on taking care of it all on her own, after all, she’d reasoned, she had asked Erin out - Erin suggested a walk to burn some of the calories they had consumed; and once the engineer had agreed, they left the restaurant and strolled aimlessly, and after a while, Erin took hold of Holtzmann’s hand, smiling to herself when she felt the blonde’s fingers curl around hers.

“Dinner was really nice”, she broke the not uncomfortable silence after they had been walking for a while, and wondering if Holtzmann noticed that Erin was more or less leading the way to her home, “thank you for taking me to this place Holtz, after what you told me, I know how special it is to you…”

“I’m glad you liked it”, Holtzmann beamed at her, her happy smile and sparkling eyes making Erin’s heart sing; she smiled back at the engineer, then stopped walking and pulled her closer for a kiss, not even caring that they were out on the sidewalk where anyone could see them. 

“So, um”, she said after the kiss, blushing a bit and making Holtzmann wonder what was going on, the physicist continuing before she had the chance to ask though, “my apartment is not far from here, and I still got that bottle of fancy red wine we got from that client. Wanna head over there with me for a nightcap?”

“Sure”, Holtzmann smiled, simultaneously cautioning herself - Erin might be inviting her to her home after a successful date, but it had been their  _ first _ date, and Holtzmann was determined to let Erin set the pace, not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable again, not now, with them finally being close to recovering fully from what had happened.

“So”, Erin started again after they continued walking in silence for a bit longer, “I’m your girlfriend, huh?”

“Um”, Holtzmann let out, feeling a bit awkward all of a sudden, realizing that she had made this claim without really checking with Erin first; to her relief though, the physicist didn’t look offended or upset, but smiled at her, giving her a little nudge as they kept walking.

“Not that I mind”, she let the blonde know, “just in case you missed the way I couldn’t stop grinning.”

“Well, in that case, you’re totally my girlfriend”, Holtzmann declared, earning a giggle from the redhead; they kissed once more, then got moving again, and not much later, they were at Erin’s apartment, the physicist feeling a bit nervous as she unlocked the door, but telling herself that there was no reason to - they didn’t  _ have _ to do anything, even though she wanted to, and if nothing would happen that night, they’d have many more nights together.

“Why don’t you get comfortable”, she suggested as she led the way to the living room and gestured at the couch, “and I’ll get the wine?”

Nodding, Holtzmann shrugged out of her blazer, hanging it over the nearest chair before she sat down; it didn’t take Erin long to come back with the wine and two glasses, the physicist giving her a bright smile once she had poured for each of them and handed one of the glasses to the engineer.

“To a really good first date”, she said, raising her glasses; Holtzmann did the same with a happy smile, and once more, Erin found herself quite overwhelmed by how strong her attraction to the younger woman was.

She told herself that she had to control herself, that there was no need to rush things… and while the rational part of her brain was still telling her this, she already had put the glass onto the table and had moved to practically straddle the blonde, clearly surprising her with the passionate kiss she instigated, but not so much that Holtzmann would have forgotten to respond. 

“I wanted to take things slow, you know”, Erin mumbled once they had pulled apart again, her heart racing in her chest so fast that she wondered if Holtzmann could feel it where her hands were resting on Erin’s back, “but… I also want you. Pretty much right now.”

“Only if you’re really sure”, Holtzmann still tried to be cautious, “I don’t wanna… I don’t know, ruin things. Or make them awkward again.”

“I’m sure”, Erin told her, smiling, touched by the engineer’s concern - and before Holtzmann had the chance to say anything else, she was kissing her again, and as the kiss deepened, Erin let her hand slide beneath the blonde’s shirt, making her groan when she ran the tips of her fingers up her bare back.

She felt Holtzmann move her hand, and just for a second, she thought back to the horrible minutes with Rowan when she felt the engineer caress her breast through the fabric of her blouse; Holtzmann’s touch was so different to how it had been when Rowan had touched her though, so much gentler and more hesitant, that she forgot all about it again quickly, the lust which flared up burning up these unpleasant memories.

“Bedroom”, Erin gasped as she pulled back once more; Holtzmann just managed a brief nod, not sure she’d actually be able to speak, and let Erin lead the way, regaining some of her composure during the short walk to the bedroom though, enough to smirk at the redhead once they had made it there and to slowly begin unbuttoning the taller woman’s blouse. 

Eager to reciprocate, Erin did the same for Holtzmann’s shirt, and not long after that, accompanied by more kissing and gentle touching, they were both naked on her bed; Erin felt a bit nervous, never having done this with another woman before, but clearly, Holtzmann was eager to make her feel good and relaxed, winking at her as she repositioned herself so that she was leaning over her. 

“Alright hot stuff”, she then said, her light tone hiding how nervous she felt herself, eager to make this amazing for Erin, but not wanting her to think back to what Rowan had wanted to do to her, “ready to have your world rocked?”

“Give it your best shot”, Erin gave back, suddenly feeling quite cocky; Holtzmann raised an eyebrow, then responded by kissing her again - before she started to make her way down Erin’s body, leaving a trail of kisses on the way, and making Erin moan when her lips closed around one of her nipples.

Spurred on by the noise, Holtzmann paid quite the attention to her breast, then moved on to the other one; and by the time she continued her way further south, Erin’s heart was racing in her chest and she felt unreasonably turned on already, having a minute to wonder how it would feel once Holtzmann would actually reach the area between her legs.

Then, Holtzmann did, and when she ran her tongue over the physicist’s folds, Erin’s hips twitched and she dug her fingers into the sheets, unable to hold back a surprisingly loud moan, the sound once more encouraging Holtzmann to increase her efforts.

She did so quite successfully, and it didn’t take long until Erin was reduced to a writhing, sweating mess beneath her lips and fingers and tongue, and it was the hottest thing she had ever seen. 

“Oh God”, Erin pressed out between grit teeth, one hand having moved to grasp a fistful of Holtzmann’s hair; sensing how close the physicist was, Holtzmann moved her fingers, just a tiny bit, pushed down with her thumb, just a little, and Erin fell apart, her butt lifting off the sheets as the orgasm hit her.

“Oh God  _ Jillian _ ”, she half said, half moaned, apparently still remembering what Holtzmann had said at the restaurant about her first name; and then, she slumped back down onto the bed and laid there, breathing heavily, eyes glassy when she raised her head just enough to be able to look at the blonde.

“I”, she stated, her head dropping back onto the pillow, “have never felt like this. Ever. Oh my God. Holtz. Oh my God.”

“The night is still young, you know”, Holtzmann replied, all innocence; Erin looked at her in shock, and the engineer grinned - before she moved to kiss her once more, reassuring that the night was far from over indeed.

* * *

In the next morning, Erin was honestly surprised that she wasn’t sore when she woke up, and even more surprised that she had woken up before Holtzmann, the engineer still slumbering soundly next to her. 

It wasn’t like she hadn’t reciprocated, once she had been actually able to move again; and Holtzmann had been quite the good teacher, she had to admit, taking her nervousness away with ease simply by how she reacted to her hesitant touch, and when she had moaned out her name, Erin had almost felt like coming all over again just from hearing that.

Not wanting to wake Holtzmann up, Erin carefully snuggled closer to her, until her head was resting on the engineer’s shoulder; Holtzmann let out an adorable mixture of grunt and snore, didn’t wake up though, and Erin allowed herself to relax, just lying there and listening to Holtzmann’s slow, steady heartbeat.

She smiled to herself as she thought of how good things were between them now, and about how last night had proven that any damage done to their relationship had been healed and taken care of; they were closer now than ever, Erin reflected, and she was happier than she had ever been… and as she looked up to watch Holtzmann sleep, she suddenly just  _ knew _ that it’d only get better from hereon out, and that they’d never let anything like the incident with Rowan come between them again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, at least this ended well ;)
> 
> As Holtzbro the Younger said, it's been a pleasure writing this. Thanks for all your kind comments, even when we tortured you. Trust us when we say that our next two collaborations will be very enjoyable for all of you. At least we hope so.
> 
> Btw, if you ever want to see how us two dorks interact on Tumblr, you can find us at @dreamshapers-universe and @geekmisconduct respectively.


End file.
